Refresh. Close. Refresh. Close. Refresh. Close. Sigh. Pace. Make a list. Look at my calendar. Empty pages. Open my computer. Close it. Pick up my phone. No emails. Put down my phone. Pace. Try reading twitter. Get bored. Open Facebook. Twitter was better. No it wasn’t.
Look in my fridge. Oh yeah, I just ate.
I need to go for a run. It’s freaking freezing I’ll die.
I should go out. No I shouldn’t. I have no money. Well, I kind of do. No I don’t.
What the hell is going on? Open Twitter. STOP.
I’m not this person. I’m not this anxious. I don’t care what my distant cousin or high school friends are doing, so I why am I obsessively refreshing every single app expecting something new to happen?
I want to throw my phone away.
All semester I bitch and moan that “if I only had the time…” Well here it is and what am I doing? Spinning. So worried that I’m not using my time wisely, or that someone else is using theirs better that I’m wasting it.
As soon as I sit down to try and do one of the million activities I’ve been saving for my free time I can’t sit still long enough to do it.
I’ve become such an efficient multi tasker that now I can only multi task. Food only tastes good while I watch TV and check my phone. Scrapbooking is only fun if I can put something on in the background and have two other projects going at the same time. But all the while I’m worrying about what everyone else is doing. But do I actually care? Would I actually be having fun if I did something else instead?
It’s gotten to the point where I’m so pre-occupied with future planning and maxing out efficiency that I’ve become helpless when it comes to focusing on one task at hand and fully enjoying it. I’m obsessed making schedules in my planner but when that day comes I’m too busy planning the next week to appreciate the one I’m living.
All the while I worry about “what I’ll remember about this time,” you know, the highlight reel we play in our heads when we think back to “that time.” They’re always glorified, but we forget exactly why we had such an amazing time. What will those details be that we remember?
Some of my happiest moments weren’t because of good news, and definitely weren’t because of some amazing picture I saw on instagram. They were moments of peace or full elation because I was in one moment at a time, not trying to cram in 30 stimuli into one experience.
So in effort to make this not just one giant rant I’ve made a list (yes I’ll always make lists no matter what) of things I’m trying to do to combat this craziness:
- Pause, breathe, take mental snap shots of the moment
- Smile (seriously it helps make you happier, fake it till ya make it is real folks)
- Reflect on the day - a sentence, a page, a doodle, something
- Break a routine
- Break a bad habit
- Hide your phone for a bit
- Eat with out the computer or TV
- Run/exercise (clears out the mental cobwebs too)
This post was mostly for me, because writing is the one thing I do need complete focus for, so it helps to type out loud sometimes, but maybe you’ll find it helpful or relate to the conundrum too!